Morning e-mails with a scowl
On my personal Yahoo account, I get this e-mail newsletter Ideal Bite. It usually has really great tips for living a healthier, more environmentally conscious lifestyle.
I say usually because yesterday’s tip? Notsohelpful.
Yesterday, those cheerful, supportive folks over at Ideal Bite suggested that I forgo my swimsuit and spend my days at the beach this year in the nude.
According to Ideal Bite, “Swimsuits require energy and transport to produce, while birthday suits require none.”
Really? Well isn’t that great. Now I’m supposed to feel guilty for covering up my nearly 38-year-old, birthed-and-nursed-two-children, ain’t-what-it-used-to-be body. Riiiight.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for saving the planet. We go to the grocery store with our canvas bags and buy EnergyStar appliances and use low energy light bulbs all over our house. We eat organic food as much as we can and recycle and try in general not to be wasteful.
But walking the beach nude? Sorry. Even I have my limits.
In addition to not being willing to expose the world to my cellulite, I’m frankly not looking to see anyone else’s either. And I’m just not convinced that my swimsuit has that great of an environmental impact. I mean, if that’s true, don’t all clothes? Is this the topic of the next Al Gore movie:
The Inconvenient Clothes: Go Nude to Save the Planet
Sheesh. I guess the tip writers at Ideal Bite were a little stretched for topics this week. Though in fairness, the newsletter went on to suggest some swimsuit manufacturers that utilize environmentally friendly processes, as well organic and even recycled materials to produce their swimsuits, which is pretty cool.
So, there I was, already feeling a little cranky when I went back to my inbox to see that Yahoo had sent me a helpful little Anniversary Reminder.
“Aw,” I thought, “someone is having an anniversary. How nice.”
Then I opened it and discovered that the anniversary in the reminder was actually that of my graduation from college, which occurred sixteen years ago today on May 19, 19FUCKING91.
After absorbing that for a moment or two, I threw my laptop onto the floor, stomped on it, and yelled something about how that will teach you to toss the mother-fucking effects of time in my face like that first thing in the morning, you stupid piece of overrated bytes and chips.
OK, I didn’t really do any of that.
But I thought about it. Oh how I thought about it.