Demoted

Dear Age 3:

I am writing to let you know that I am officially revoking your title of, “Most Annoying Childhood Age Ever.”

I know you worked really hard to get that title, but at the time I bestowed it on you I was a naïve mother who thought the worst she’d face (pre-teenage years) would come in the form of some of your most irritating qualities, these being (but not limited to): tantrums, whining, assertions of independence, public meltdowns and defiance.

However, in recent weeks, I have come to better know the back-talking, belligerent, full-of-piss and ATTITUDE that is Age 5. To be frank, I now understand that in terms of exasperating characteristics, you, Age 3 are an amateur. Sorry.

I have been especially impressed with Age 5’s ‘Tude. I must say, I thought you gave me a good run for your money with the, “NOs!” and the, “You can’t make me’s,” but at least these statements were said in somewhat normal tones of voice and not in the snotty, “I. Don’t. WANT. To,” inflection that Age 5 has mastered, complete with hands on hips and a healthy "HUMPH!" at the end for good measure.

And I can’t even begin to guess where Age 5 learned such a horrendous manner of speaking. Oh! Wait! Yes I can. OTHER SNOTTY FIVE YEAR OLDS.

While you have been officially demoted, I must note that I am impressed with your ability to learn. Since hanging around with Age 5, you have started picking up some of Age 5’s more maddening qualities, including the aforementioned ‘Tude.

I was especially amazed by yesterday’s 20-minute tantrum featuring repetition of Age 5’s trademark, “I. Don’t. WANT. To.” 139 times. Awesome.

I hope you are not angry over this demotion and that you will take it in stride. I think we both must chalk this up to a learning experience. I’m sure there will be many more in the next few years.

I will say, Age 3, while you are no longer the Most Annoying Childhood Age Ever, I still will not be sad to see you exit my home in a few months. For the most part, Age 4 was a happy reprieve and I’m thrilled to note that the transition from Age 3 to Age 4 is already beginning. Perhaps, in light of this demotion, you’d like to completely fade from the scene now instead of hanging out until April. I think that would be best for everyone involved. Why beat a dead mom horse, if you know what I mean?

Good luck and godspeed to you.

Sincerely,

Kimberly

PS – Age 5, don’t go getting too much of an ego over this. You may be tough, but you’re still no match for me. And besides? Who knows what Age 6 has in store . . .