Fashion cop for a day

I love the Oscars. Even though I’ve rarely seen even a fraction of the nominated films when the stars make their march down the Red Carpet, I just love it. The pomp. The glitz. The bling. The glamour. The fun. (Although this year, I had to wonder where the fun was. This was probably the most boring and safe Oscars I can ever recall. Yes, there were a couple of moments that made me chuckle, but I can’t think of anything outrageous).

But anyway, the main reason I love the Oscars is the fashion. I love to sit in front of my TV making snarky comments (Did she even bother to brush her hair? Her stylist should be flogged for that! Does she even OWN a mirror?), as well as ooh and ah at the starlets who get it right.

And this year is a very special year for me. Because this year, I have a blog from which I can bestow my judgment across all the land (or at least to my 25 or so loyal readers). Behold my power! Besides, it totally makes me feel better about myself to know even the most beautiful women in America can look like crap sometimes, even on the most important night of the year for them. (Me? I look like crap when I’m dropping my kid off at preschool. If I were going to the Oscars I would totally pick a better dress than some of these women).

Meeeooow. I revel in my power!

So without further delay, here’s my assessment of the ladies who walked the Red Carpet Sunday night.

Nicole Kidman



OK. I know the fashion reviewers generally liked this, and while I agree that the color is spectacular, that giant red bow wrapped around her neck is Just. Plain. Awful. She looks like she is ready to plopped under the Christmas tree. Just stick a sprig of holly in her hair and she can be one of Santa’s helpers at the local mall.



And while her hair is nice, what’s up with her face? It looks weird, right? I don’t know if this Botox gone awry or just the case of someone being a little too heavy handed with the eyeliner, but it’s all bad.


Naomi Watts



I hate to pick on a pregnant woman, especially a pregnant woman who is usually so stylish, but was this dress designed by Charles Schultz? Because I am totally getting a Charlie Brown vibe looking at it.

Kate Winselt



I just HATE (H.A.T.E.) that she is considered the fat girl in Hollywood. I mean seriously? How deluded and twisted and fucked up is the industry that labels this woman “fat?” Look at her. She’s gorgeous. She has curves like a woman’s body should. I admire her for not bowing to the pressure to be a size double zero. She’s not only gorgeous, she’s smart and inspiring. Go Kate!


Kirsten Dunst



I only have three words for this: WHY? WHY? WHY?

OK, maybe I have more than three. How many ducks had to give their life to make this creation? If I were a duck, I’d be so embarrassed to die and have this dress be my legacy.


Penelope Cruz



OK, I know a lot of people didn’t like this, but I thought it was amazing. Now this is a good use of feathers. If I were a duck on the chopping block I’d be BEGGING to go on this dress and this woman’s body. That’s dying with dignity.

Helen Mirren



I don’t know how old Helen Mirren is, but I’m sure she’s a lot older than me. And I’m sure that I don’t look as good as she does right now. And I’m sure that I would cut off a couple of my toes to guarantee looking this good when I reach her age. Wowza.

Reese Witherspoon



I loved this. Splitting up from her husband is apparently the best thing that’s ever happened to her because she is looking better and better with each appearance. I love everything about this - she’s glowing. She makes me think of those “Don’t Hate Me Because I’m Beautiful” ads. I want to hate her, but I just can’t.

Cate Blanchett



When I grow up, can I be Cate Blanchett? Pretty please!?!? This is my personal favorite gown from the night. Fabulous! Though she’s so stinking skinny that I’m willing to bet this metallic dress weighs more than her.


Eddie Murphy and Date



OK, so it’s bad enough to be a big star’s date at the Oscars because really, no one gives a crap about you. You might as well be invisible. But I had to include this because this dress is so horrendous I just couldn’t let it go. Ryan Seacrest actually said to her – on the Red Carpet – “Oh, you have a mirror right there between your chest.” Heh. If I were at the Oscar’s I would totally walk up to her and check my lipstick in that thing.


Jennifer Hudson





Oh dear. I wanted to love what she had on. I really did, because she is so amazing and talented and has such a fantastic story. I mean here she is – an American Idol reject, told by Simon Cowell that she does not have what it takes – nominated for an Oscar! (An Oscar!) But there are just too many things wrong with this dress. The color is blah, the tin foil jacket looks like it just finished its role as a tent on a Thanksgiving turkey and, worst of all, it has pockets! I’m sorry, but evening gowns should NOT have pockets. That’s why fabulous purses were invented. And if by some chance you do find yourself wearing an evening gown with pockets, do NOT under ANY circumstances stick your hands in them! This is the Red Carpet, not a taxi line, dammit!
pockets. sheesh.


Rachel Weisz



Rachel Weisz is so damn gorgeous that she could show up wearing a potato sack and still look good. And this dress? Is no potato sack. She has just the right coloring to pull off this shimmery dress. Amazing. Good job, Rachel!

Anne Hathaway



I thought she was utterly adorable in The Devil Wears Prada but something here just isn’t working. With the giant black bow and white tablecloth-like lace this looks like a cheap prom gown from 1987 (and I should know, because I am the proud owner of a cheap 1987 prom gown, which is still hanging somewhere in my attic. Hmmm, maybe Anne would like to borrow it for next year’s Academy Awards?)

Agree? Disagree? My little power trip hasn't quite ended yet, so it doesn't really matter. Get 'yer own blog if you want to bestow judgment for all the world 25 people to read (or let me know what you think in the comments). Until then, I have the power.