Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Internal conflict

I have two gorgeous children.

I do not want a third.

I am sure of this.

I do not want to go back to square one: diaper blow outs, nursing, bottles, pacifiers, hourly feedings, crying for no known reason (though there are moments when I find myself still dealing with this), weaning, sleep training, having to do everything with one hand, etc., etc., etc.

I have given away all of my baby goods—from the bassinet to the infant car seat to onesies and infant toys—as Loaf outgrows them.

I do not wish to subject myself to another pregnancy—the nausea, the weight gain, the bloating, the insomnia, the back pain, the sciatica, the cramps, the dry skin, the itchiness, the sore boobs, the heartburn, the acid reflux, the bleeding gums and the cankles. I do not wish to spend nine months in a constant state of anxiety worrying about about something – everything – going wrong. Not to mention I have no desire to relive labor, birth and post-birth recovery.

I am nearly 39 years old.

I do not even particularly enjoy the needy infant stage that much.

I am 100 percent sure that I do not want a third baby.

So why – WHY— is it that lately every time I see a newborn baby, my heart clinches up and my uterus actually aches with a pain that can only be described as emptiness?

Why do I find myself eagerly drinking in every word of the slew of newly pregnant bloggers who, even as they write about the inconveniences and annoyances of pregnancy, make me secretly wish I could join them?

Why do I find myself feeling what can only be described as jealousy when friends tell me they are pregnant? Why does it suddenly seem like 50 percent of the women at my gym are hugely pregnant (and glowing and fit to boot)? Why could I not take my eyes off the sweet gurgling three-month-old at the new playgroup I joined last week? And why did I tear up the other night while wistfully thinking back on soft baby skin, fuzzy heads, a tiny warm body sleeping on my chest, sweet, grunty baby noises and early toothless smiles?

Can anyone please answer this for me? Because this sappy maternal craving shit is really starting to piss me off.

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11 Comments:

Blogger HG said...

Heh. You are so getting knocked up.

Me? I'm done. Not even sweet baby faces tempt me :)

1:21 PM  
Blogger Rocas said...

My wife still does all that stuff, and it has been 18+ years since she gave birth to #2 of 2. But she ignores those body psych-outs and actually enjoys the fact that after she is cooing over someones baby, she gets to go home - and sleep like a baby.

6:07 PM  
Blogger ryssee said...

Aw, you miss your babies being babies! That's gotta be why! It's gotta be nostalgia. Because you know the sweet my-own-baby smell and the joys of baby-discovering-stuff, and Oh wow, she got that from hi and this other thing from me, as well as all the crappy stuff you endured because of all the good stuff.
Plus, your eggies are probably calling out to you now that you're closer to your last cycle than the first one. That just happens I think.
Of course, I'm not a mom, and you know me...so what the hell do I know? Mine just rattle around and annoy me every month. But this is what I think from observation.

7:40 PM  
Blogger Beth said...

Must be something in the water. I've got the same weird stuff going on...and I most definitely DO NOT want a 4th!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think it's just a woman thing (let's blame yet another thing on the fact that we're women and gosh darn it we can!). I hear women saying this sort of thing all the time. I even heard a woman with 7--SEVEN--kids say the exact same thing. 'Course, I think she needed to have her nogin checked, but, you know....

beth

10:41 PM  
Blogger Aunt Kath said...

I can't imagine not having #3, my Amy. She keeps the boys in line. I had 3 kids in four years along with 3 c-sections. It's great now that they're older because they have similar interests. I was the one that thought I could never handle it and I did. Whatever you decide will be the right decision for you and you will do great either way! Love you!

3:25 PM  
Blogger cadiz12 said...

my mom is still going through that, and her oldest kid is practically 30.

her solution? try and guilt trip me into getting married and having kids so she'll have a baby around again.

if you figure out a cure for this, please let me know.

4:52 PM  
Blogger Minnesota Matron said...

Well. . . .

I got pregnant with my third when I was 39 but three had been the plan. BUT- after having Merrick (I had a boy/girl already) I was suddenly consumed with baby lust and jealousy. Every pregnant woman was lucky enough to be doing something that I wasn't. And for me, I think it was mourning the end of an era in my life: the years of childbearing, of easy and uncomplicated fertility. So I think sometimes we say good-bye through our longing.

4:43 PM  
Blogger Minnesota Matron said...

Oh - and my friend Martha said what Beth has said here -- no matter how many you have, you yearn. That's why her mother had 8!!!

4:44 PM  
Blogger Kimberly said...

"Say good-bye through our longing." Minnesota Mom, that makes a ton of sense. I really get that.

HG - Shush lest you jinx yourself. ;-)

Beth - Seven? Yiiiikes. I would hope the longing would be over by then.

Cadiz12 - get your mom a puppy. ;-)

7:47 PM  
Blogger imaginary binky said...

I think baby sweat is made of crack or heroin. They are incredibly addictive. I'm barely back to normal after having Amos, yet my body is incredibly fertile and yelling at me to have another. Haha.

3:12 AM  
Anonymous Gavsis said...

I have a GREAT idea. Since I don't seem to be having any luck, YOU CAN HAVE ONE FOR ME!!!!! Then, after you experience the bliss? of pregnancy and labor you can just hand he/she over and go back to your own life! Sound good???

7:38 PM  

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