Raw

Three weeks (and a day).

For three weeks (and a day) I have been struggling with grief. Grief that still feels like a throbbing, open wound. Grief that stalks me.

I try to push it down and bury it, but it finds me. It sneaks up on me at unexpected moments, like the middle of spin class or during a phone call or right after a shower.

It follows me to work and rides with me in the car. It swooshes about my head while I swim. It wakes me in the middle of the night like the poke of cold fingers on my back.

He is gone. Remember? Did you do enough? Did you say it all? Did you?

I don’t think I did.

And that is what haunts me.

I have become adept at choking back tears, but sometimes they race out of control, like last night. Last night, I wept uncontrollably, face pressed against my husband’s chest, hands like claws clutching his shirt, eyes shut so tight in the dark in that when I finally opened them I was surprised to see moonlight streaming through the cracks between the curtains, lighting the contents of my bedroom in gentle contrast to my shaking sobs.

I thought it would get easier, and in some ways it has.

But in most it has not.

The world goes on.

Work makes demands. Huge ones.

Children need tending. Lots.

There is housework. And cooking.

Errands. Luncheons. Volunteer work.

Commitments of all kinds.

It all spins around me. Engulfing me.

I show up. I participate. I push through it because I have to. Because it is what's expected.

But under it all, I am turned inside out. Partly numb.

And partly raw.

Easter eggggstravaganza!

We started the day at my mom’s house in Massachusetts where the Easter Bunny hid a goodly number of eggs. In fact, I would not be surprised if my mom finds one or two others sometime in the next few days.

Here is Peanut with her basket:



And a picture of the two of them together. Yes, incredible as it is, they are actually this chummy most of the time. Though there was a momentary scrap over an orange and yellow spotted egg that nearly drew blood.



And here they are just before we left for Mark’s mom’s house near Poughkeepsie, NY. How about the gloves? Don’t you love them? Target. $1, baby!



At my mother-in-law’s, we had another egg hunt. Here’s Peanut, who appears to be 6 going on 12 in this photo. Kill. Me. Now.



And Loaf, munching on candy. All day, she kept telling me that her shoes hurt her feet, to which I replied, “Sorry sweets. Get used to suffering for fashion.”



So that was our Easter in a nutshell. Or an eggshell, if you prefer. Hope you all had a great day!

Wow!

Remember a couple of weeks ago when I mentioned being nominated for a Just Post Best of 2009 award?

Well . . . I won!



So. Excited.

And honored. Truly. All of the posts were fantastic - I had a hard time voting in a few of the categories.

Thanks to Alejna and Holly for creating Just Posts, highlighting so much great writing, and for working so hard to put together the awards. And heartfelt thanks to anyone who voted for me.

It's great to win, but even cooler that I discovered a whole new group of bloggers to follow. Congrats to everyone who was nominated and to the winners! You all deserve a round of applause!