Profile of a girl
Last night, I got caught up in looking at Peanut’s baby pictures. I sat for a long time studying the photos of her smiling baby face – the toothless grins, the small smattering of downy hair on her head. Her face smeared in sweet potatoes. Standing in her exer-saucer carefully studying a rattle.
Staring at them brought back a flood of memories initially, but the longer I looked the harder it became to find in them the girl I know today – the one who talks non-stop to her kitten, plays elaborate role-play games with her sister and only slows down to eat and sleep.
The not-so-long ago face in those pictures seemed unfamiliar – as if the baby in them was one I only knew casually, which struck fear deep into my heart. If I was having trouble remembering the baby she was now, what will it be like when she’s 10, or 16, or 25? I switched off the computer and went to bed, feeling unsettled and restless.
This morning I woke early to get ready for work. As I dried my hair in the bathroom, Peanut pushed the door open.
“Well good morning,” I said to her, leaning over to place a kiss on her forehead. “Come on in.”
A sleepy haze still surrounded her and without a word she zombie walked over to thick bathmat and lay down. She covered herself with her blanket and stared off into space.
When I finished, I knelt down beside her. She was lying on her side. I sat above her studying her profile and there I saw it – the baby girl I remembered. She was there after all – in the soft curve of her forehead, the gentle protrusion of her nose, the bud of her lips and the roundness of her chin. It was a profile I remembered intimately from my days of nursing her.
I’d spent many hours staring down at her – in the beginning days obsessing about whether or not she was getting enough to eat and then later just enjoying her, loving the way she’d gaze up at me with a satisfied, languid look about her.
I moved my face just inches from hers and ran my index finger along her profile, studying it, tracing it into my memory. Making sure I won’t ever forget.
Staring at them brought back a flood of memories initially, but the longer I looked the harder it became to find in them the girl I know today – the one who talks non-stop to her kitten, plays elaborate role-play games with her sister and only slows down to eat and sleep.
The not-so-long ago face in those pictures seemed unfamiliar – as if the baby in them was one I only knew casually, which struck fear deep into my heart. If I was having trouble remembering the baby she was now, what will it be like when she’s 10, or 16, or 25? I switched off the computer and went to bed, feeling unsettled and restless.
This morning I woke early to get ready for work. As I dried my hair in the bathroom, Peanut pushed the door open.
“Well good morning,” I said to her, leaning over to place a kiss on her forehead. “Come on in.”
A sleepy haze still surrounded her and without a word she zombie walked over to thick bathmat and lay down. She covered herself with her blanket and stared off into space.
When I finished, I knelt down beside her. She was lying on her side. I sat above her studying her profile and there I saw it – the baby girl I remembered. She was there after all – in the soft curve of her forehead, the gentle protrusion of her nose, the bud of her lips and the roundness of her chin. It was a profile I remembered intimately from my days of nursing her.
I’d spent many hours staring down at her – in the beginning days obsessing about whether or not she was getting enough to eat and then later just enjoying her, loving the way she’d gaze up at me with a satisfied, languid look about her.
I moved my face just inches from hers and ran my index finger along her profile, studying it, tracing it into my memory. Making sure I won’t ever forget.
Labels: Favorites, Heart on my sleeve
posted by Kimberly at
11:50 AM
6 Comments:
I know exactly what you mean. I look at photos of my baby and then see the teenage her in front of me. It’s frightening, but glimpses continue to shine through now and again.
Oh I'm just all teary eyed now. Sigh.
*sniff* I know what you mean. When my girl is asleep, I see the little bit of baby-ness left in her face. But my boy is older, and it's harder to see. Makes my heart ache.
This was beautiful.
Lawsy, this was a great post, lady. I was just thinking the other day that I can't quite remember the baby Jeffrey was because the baby River is has sort of...taken him over in my head.
Love it. L.o.v.e. it.
Thank you all so much!
XUP - I can't imagine when they're teens. The thought scares the hell out of me.
I am sitting here with HUGE tears in my eyes. This was beautiful. You need to print this out and give it to her when she gets older.
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